A few weeks ago my adopted son Jamie, now aged 12, asked for a Playmobil fire engine for Christmas. The recommended age range for the fire engine is 4 – 8. Despite knowing intellectually that his emergency service-based play is a way of ‘playing out’ his trauma, I’m ashamed to admit that I tried to put him off. I was feeling worn down and frustrated by the endless toddler anger, baby talk and lower brain thinking and I’d mistakenly thought I could ‘grow him up’ with some old-fashioned ‘pull yourself together’ type parenting. The following day he’d packed away all his Playmobil toys and demanded that I put them in the loft.
Fast forward a week and I was sat in a vast hall listening to Dr Margot Sunderland explaining the importance of therapeutic play and storytelling in helping abused and neglected children process their trauma. The bag of tangled Playmobil emergency vehicles in the loft played heavy on my mind. Someone is trying to tell me something, I thought and tried to forgive myself for occasionally wanting life to be different.
‘The traumatic past won’t go into the past until it is remembered in the present’ said Dr Sunderland and ‘talking about the trauma is not like opening a can of worms because the worms are spilling out every which way anyway.’ I can attest to that. Only the worms are more like vipers.
She talked about the power of play, storytelling, music and art in helping traumatised children to process their trauma in the upper, thinking parts of their brains and how it can be used to demonstrate that we, the trusted adults in their lives empathise with and soothe their fears, their grief and their loneliness. As Dr Dan Hughes so wisely said ‘children who feel angry have to be helped to feel sad.’
This weekend my two children asked me to buy bandages as they wanted to play ‘vets’. They spent the most part of two days asking to have knees and arms bandaged and taking care of animals in their clinic. It was all about nurturing. So often my children are trying to show me what they need and I need to have the humility to listen to them.
So now I have some work to do. I’m reading Using Story Telling as a Therapeutic Tool with Children by Dr Margot Sunderland and looking through some of the art therapy materials she has produced. I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to approach it yet, but I’ll keep you posted.
Powerful post Sally. Can see myself here; I find daughter’s constant need to be “babied” infuriating & resist it. I shouldn’t.
In the middle of it all, we are human and we do a difficult job. Thanks for your comment,
Thank you for making sense of what happens in my family daily. X
You are welcome (and I am flattered). Thanks for your comment.
Like you, I have tried to ‘grow Mini up’ by buying him more age appropriate toys, and put him off the younger ones.
But these days he doesn’t get much pleasure from the transformers etc, and would much rather play with his younger sister’s Happyland (suitable from 18months!), and at the moment a suitcase is the favourite plaything as both children pretend they’re on holiday!
Your post has reminded me that I shouldn’t worry so much about this, and just let him be. And I must be brave enough to get the paint out more often!
Thanks Stix. Paint though – you are a brave lady!
So well put Sally. I admire how hard you are always working to better understand and work with the effects of trauma which are so complex. It is wonderful to have that realisation that children who have lived with trauma often can not verbalise their needs or emotions but are amazingly clever at trying to get their needs met and emotions expressed in a range of other ways. The hard part, as you so rightly illustrate is to remember that is what their often challenging & mystifying behaviour is all about. Supporting them to get through these things is rarely easy but having a more indepth understanding make the unpicking a faster process. I have had many parents say to me, “she is perfectly capable of getting dressed alone but has recently insisted I must do it fo her”, knowing that this is a child’s way of indirectly getting the physical contact & chance to have us help them makes sense once you know what you are looking for.
Lucky children to have you working so hard to support and bring them through all of this.
Thanks Jane. Yes, sometimes it feels like trying to untangle a complex cryptic puzzle.
I feel very relieved that my oldest is still so in love with his Lego and has asked for more for Christmas when a I know a lot of his peers are now moving onto more technology based toys and pass times. He gets lost in a world of his own when he plays and it is lovely to see, he’s making up for those lost years of play. They both sit quite happily watching Cbeebies sometimes (I have channel locks on a lot of the older kids channels so they have to ask to watch certain programmes). However we are as guilty sometimes with the things we allow them to watch, 12A films is a good example and other expectations we have of expecting age appropriate behaviour. You remind us that sometimes you need to take their lead on where they are up to and not place our own desires over their needs. I look forward to hearing ab out your interesting reads.
Our children get lost in play as well and can make up some amazing worlds. I’m very grateful they have to capacity to do this. It’s much healthier than Black Ops!
Thanks for your comment Sarah.
I admire the amount of reflection and thought you put into your parenting.
I think reflection is important in raising adopted children as our own unresolved issues can impede our parenting. Can’t say it’s been easy though. Thanks for reading and for your comment.